A Hole in my Mental wall...

"The phrase "working mother" is redundant."  ~Jane Sellman

A question for all the mothers out there...

Do you ever feel overwhelmed and that you are just not good enough for your children?

Any true mother out there probably feels this way more then once in their lives. It might be a fleeting thought that simply crosses their mind or from what i've learned it could be as severe as "postpartum depression." Now I know the Doctors usually chalk this stuff up to not getting enough sleep but maybe its more?

I am not a biological mom (yet) but sometimes I feel as though I just can't do it anymore. I would think, logically, that perhaps these feelings are more common in step-moms as opposed to biological mothers due to the bond that a child has with his or her mother naturally. A step-mom will always live with the fear that the child any day will tell them "you are not my mother" or "you could never be as good as my mom."

I know I will never be their mother and I am ok with that. Its the law of physics really and I have come to terms with this. Regardless, no mother, step or not, wants to be compared to someone else as being less then equal quality or person. Luckily I have not experienced those painful words from either boy. I don't think our teenager will ever say them, but I am worried the youngest, at only 8, and still holds so much faith in his mother, will one day lash out in anger at the rules imposed upon him at our house and not at his mother's (wherever she may be "crashing" at the moment) place.

What I fear the most though is how I will make it through that moment if it were to come. How would this be handled emotionally and mentally? Right now, the smallest of mistakes or incompetence on my part drives me right into a mental brick wall. The problem is usually completely unrelated to the children and leaves me punching this wall as hard as I can, but walking away with no more then bloody knuckles over and over until I find the small hole which will allow the wall to tumble with one last whack. 

Growing up I was always trying to impress my father. I feared dissapointing him. This fear grew as I aged and now encompasses anyone. I cringe at the thought of dissapointing a stranger even. Unfortunately for me this has turned me basically into a human walkway but I play with the cards I was dealt for fear of dissapointing the dealer with complaints.

So how would I handle the harsh words from on 8 yr old letting me know that I couldn't possibly live up to his all powerful "super-mom" whom RARELY visits or calls. Will I be able to resist the urge to tell him how his mother is a lying, cheating, no good piece of crap? How she dropped him off and only visits every other month for a few minutes to say that she did, and because it was on the way to whatever casino, bar, or theme park she was heading to?

Of course... but will I be able to get over it? I will let you know when it happens. As for right now, I have a mental wall that I am currently working on and I think I need more gauze.