A Hole in my Mental wall...

"The phrase "working mother" is redundant."  ~Jane Sellman

A question for all the mothers out there...

Do you ever feel overwhelmed and that you are just not good enough for your children?

Any true mother out there probably feels this way more then once in their lives. It might be a fleeting thought that simply crosses their mind or from what i've learned it could be as severe as "postpartum depression." Now I know the Doctors usually chalk this stuff up to not getting enough sleep but maybe its more?

I am not a biological mom (yet) but sometimes I feel as though I just can't do it anymore. I would think, logically, that perhaps these feelings are more common in step-moms as opposed to biological mothers due to the bond that a child has with his or her mother naturally. A step-mom will always live with the fear that the child any day will tell them "you are not my mother" or "you could never be as good as my mom."

I know I will never be their mother and I am ok with that. Its the law of physics really and I have come to terms with this. Regardless, no mother, step or not, wants to be compared to someone else as being less then equal quality or person. Luckily I have not experienced those painful words from either boy. I don't think our teenager will ever say them, but I am worried the youngest, at only 8, and still holds so much faith in his mother, will one day lash out in anger at the rules imposed upon him at our house and not at his mother's (wherever she may be "crashing" at the moment) place.

What I fear the most though is how I will make it through that moment if it were to come. How would this be handled emotionally and mentally? Right now, the smallest of mistakes or incompetence on my part drives me right into a mental brick wall. The problem is usually completely unrelated to the children and leaves me punching this wall as hard as I can, but walking away with no more then bloody knuckles over and over until I find the small hole which will allow the wall to tumble with one last whack. 

Growing up I was always trying to impress my father. I feared dissapointing him. This fear grew as I aged and now encompasses anyone. I cringe at the thought of dissapointing a stranger even. Unfortunately for me this has turned me basically into a human walkway but I play with the cards I was dealt for fear of dissapointing the dealer with complaints.

So how would I handle the harsh words from on 8 yr old letting me know that I couldn't possibly live up to his all powerful "super-mom" whom RARELY visits or calls. Will I be able to resist the urge to tell him how his mother is a lying, cheating, no good piece of crap? How she dropped him off and only visits every other month for a few minutes to say that she did, and because it was on the way to whatever casino, bar, or theme park she was heading to?

Of course... but will I be able to get over it? I will let you know when it happens. As for right now, I have a mental wall that I am currently working on and I think I need more gauze.

Emergency Blues

Its strange that no matter how long the posted "wait" time is in the Emergency Room you should always expect to wait an extra hour or 2 longer right? Even if there is not a single other soul waiting. Maybe they do this to be sure you REALLY are in pain or need to be seen. I can only imagine how many people just walk out and decide to amputate their own gangrenous arm themselves.

When I was a child, if I had so much as a "growing pain" it was the end of the world. I would complain profusely about the agonizing, horrendous, and mortifying pain I was in. My dad would offer to cut off my finger or which ever arm/leg was hurting or punch me in the gut to help me forget about the other pain. Of course I declined and proceeded to my bedroom to cry about my limb which was surely going to fall off. So when I accidently found out that my oldest Step-son had a pain in his ear which started about 2 days ago and he already put some alcohol in it himself I was shocked.

I guess when you are so used to taking care of yourself and your brother without supervision of an adult or atleast someone resembling an adult you learn to just cope with pain and do what you can to fix it yourself. This is an unfortunate burden for children to bear and sadly its going to take a lot of work to kick this habit he has. There is no reason for him to take things into his own hands. He isn't with his mother anymore. We are the Adults.

My emotions flashed quickly over the span of about 15 seconds from anger (that he put alcohol in his ear without asking) to dissapointment (that he didnt tell us) to fear (hopefully his ear isn't damaged and there isnt seriously something wrong now) and at last to urgency (we need to have him seen immediately). Of course this was a Friday night at 9:30 so a clinic was out of the question.

We did what we had to do... Off to the ER we went.

Posted wait time was 5 minutes. We arrived to a vacant waiting room of course and the initial paperwork was filled out. After that I would have to say we waited approx 10-15 minutes until being called into the "check-in" room where his weight was taken and his pain scale was evaluated. All 5 of use then trekked down the hall as we were escorted to a curtained room and a few more tests (blood pressure, temperature, etc) were taken. Ok, so that was quicker then expected right?

Its almost like an advertising gimick. You know those ones that say FREE in huge letters next to that beautiful diamond necklace you want, then when you get in and ask politely for your FREE diamond necklace you are informed that you first need to purchase 3.5 million dollars worth of jewelry. Yea, it was like that.

About 45 minutes later the "PA" came in. She spent all of 5 minutes looking into his ears and listening to his lungs or heart, then advised us it was merely "swimmers ear" and she would be back in about 15 minutes with a prescription. 45 minutes later I paid our co-pay of $200.00 and then about 20 minutes after that we were given a prescription for some ear drops and asked to show ourselves out.

I think I might have heard a "don't let the door hit you in the butt on the way out suckers" but I can't be to sure. I walked out of there with more mixed emotions. Frustrated that it cost SO much for so little and knowing we COULD have taken him on Wednesday when the pain started for only a $30 co-pay, relieved to find out that the problem was minimal and easily treated, and concerned that this could have been worse had we not found out by accident that night.

So after all was said and done 2 hours of waiting and 5 minutes with the "PA" we left, starving and tired. Grabbed some food, the prescription, and headed home. I hope he understands after tonight that if something hurts he NEEDS to tell us immediately, I don't care if its growing pains. Its our responsibility to make sure they are both properly cared for but unless we ask him every 5 minutes we will never know.

What an adventure... I love them both. :)

For the Long Haul...

"Mothers are fonder than fathers of their children because they are more certain they are their own."  ~Aristotle

Before divorce rates skyrocketed and mothers and fathers alike abandoned there children perhaps this statement was all encompassing. In 322BC they probably did not have artificial insemination, or sperm banks that after saving a good penny a woman can walk into and walk out of with the potential of pregnancy. Of course I don't know if turkey basters existed then or if men shared women and that was just OK... but I do know today that the above statement is not 100% accurate.

Ok, so I can see the humor in it all and I actually laughed when I read it but then I was thinking about how wrong it actually is when it comes to me and my family.

I am not their mother, but I believe I love them more then their mother.

Of course we can't compare apples to apples as I didn't go through 9 months of bonding and nesting.. and hell I wasn't even around for the first 5 & 9 years of their lives loving them more everyday. I do know though that after a long day at work leaving me completely frazzled I am excited to see them greeting me at the door with hugs. When they smile, they light up my world, and when they frown I am torn. Their laugh is the most beautiful sound and they are everyday amazing me with their thoughts, dreams, and pretends.

How then can their mother drop them off with us and see them once every 2 months for a few minutes? I would NEVER be able to do that. Give the kid a 3rd degree sentance and I would still be at visitation like clockwork every week. I don't care.

They miss her everyday and part of me wants to tell them the truth. Tell them that their mother doesnt care and she would rather be boozing and gambling all night instead of seeing them. The things is, I have no right to break their hearts like that. Unfortunately little does she know they aren't blind to what is happening. The oldest gets angrier with her everyday. All I can do is reassure him that she loves them... because I believe somewhere deep inside she does as every mother must. Just not the way he needs to be loved.

It may be a different kind of love, but in the end.. I know I love them more. They are not merely a child support check for me. I love them for real... and forever, and I don't care if they ever know it. I know it.